In the end.....

So, the skinny is this, the Masters wife, the one He was divorcing had a stroke in the early Am today. It is a sad situation but, caused because her lack of care for her own person and health. She made bad choices in her life and because of it caused herself to become morbidly obese with a cocktail of medical issues because of it. So, now, once again I am faced with Master again choosing her over me. His since of responsibility to her make no sense to me whats so ever. I cannot continue on with being second in His life, or anyones life, I may be a self proclaimed submissive/slave...but I have feelings and needs too. And if I am giving EVERYTHING of myself to the One..then I have the right to expect the same. I may love Master but, I cannot accept the scraps that seem to be offered. I am not sure if I want to cry or get angry,I bounce from one emotion to another, I moved to Denver to be with Him, I even made sacrafices in being with my son to do so. Yet, I am not good enough for the same commitment. I am not worth the same level of of commitment.....

wallowing....

You know things are bad when Your snapping at Your Master, the One You love completely, and all because He points out to You He is disappointed because You haven't written in your journal in close to 3 weeks, and you have completely stopped doing your tasks....and the worst part is you have allowed your focus to drift from Him and wallowed in your self pity and loathing. YES...its hard...the move, living on my sisters couch, still looking for a job and now somehow my ex has gotten the courts to order that my son cannot come to Denver to be with me at all. I have not heard from the courts on the court date yet and its been three plus weeks, and I feel as if Master and I are pulling away from each other, yet instead of embracing Him, refocusing on Him and allowing Him to help me through all this...I question Him and withdraw from His wishes. To make things worse, the RL of us is making the online near impossible anymore, we don't talk online hardly anymore because as He says, it's simply not enough anymore. He's right, but, we have to figure something out soon because there is still a little over 2 months before we can be together full time. In a time when we need each other, when I need Him the most we seem to be as far apart as 5 months ago when we split up....and that is killing me! So, here is my vow...to myself and to Him...the focus returns to Him, I go back to my tasks to help me keep my focus off all the hell my life has become and I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trust that all will be well again within the world.

Needs and Changes

There are times in my life I wonder what makes the struggle worth it...why do  I continue to fight and claw my way through my life. Well, here I am 45 and I have no clue where life is going, how I'm going to get there or where it will end, all I know is that I'm struggling to find decent work, trying to raise my 10 year old son and fighting it out in courts with my ex....and seemingly not making any headway...my Master is here in Denver and I love Him desperately yet, not sure where that will go as He has His own struggles. I am clinging to a hope that MAYBE someday things will start to head in a direction that makes sense. Where i can begin to stabilize my emotions, and have some breathing room. WHEN will the stress go away!

In Denver...third day

Third day in Denver, and I'm not feeling any better about being here...need to find a job, need to get a hold of the courts in Pueblo see if the hearing date has been set yet...god that's so frustrating, really??!!!!!!!! what am I waiting on why am I waiting on the date? Zach is with me for the weekend, and I'm feeling more centered right now yay!!!!

In Denver...without my son...

Okay, been offline for a while now due to the move..I am in Denver and i am having mixed emotions about being here. I love that i am closer to Master and can see Him more often...yet, relocation is hard and all the court stuff is really getting to me badly. I wish i can say that all is well, it isn't i'm borderline depressive and my emotions are totally out of whack, i have moments of lucidity interlaced with manic/depressive episodes. I'm sure that part of that is due to lack of sleep and broken sleep as well as stress. I don't know how much more i can take of this but, i need to try and keep on somewhat of an even keel, i have to believe that all of the stress and court things will soon pass and my son and i can get stabilized again, working towards ... I hope!

Courts

Well, I filed with the courts yesterday for reallocation of EVERYTHING...including an emergency motion to allow me to go to Denver with zach to take this job. My ex found out and called me this morning telling me I was  not taking zach with me because HE said so. REALLY??!! Had the honor of telling him it wasn't his decision anymore, that it was now in the hands of the courts and paperwork was already filed. This was right after he told me he was going to see his attorney...I told him would probably be a good idea as paperwork is FILED with the courts. He got very quiet...
Well, if i dont hear on the emergency order in the next couple of hours i am going to drive to the courthouse and find out what is happening. ...*crosses her fingers*

Just one more week.....

Well, finally got my lappy back today...seems to be working well..Yay!!!!
I'm due in Denver next week, but, the legal issues are still in limbo...i'm going to have to pull the paperwork from offline...fill them out and file them with the courts myself...and pray!
Master is serving His own paperwork this week and is offline for the duration,  I am having a hard time dealing with that...it's difficult not to be able to speak to Him for that length of time...I'm worried for Him, worried for my own situation and I'm at an all time low needing His reassurances yet, not able to have them.